5 Ways Your Women-Founded Startup Can Get VC Money
It’s hard being a woman entrepreneur in Silicon Valley trying to get funded. In 2017, only 2% of all funding went to women founders (Fortune.com). It’s a lowfat venture capital latte. Who needs that? You deserve the whole cow. I got your back, ladies; just keep those handsy money dudes away from your front.
Here are 5 surefire ways women can get the startup funding their brilliant ideas deserve.
5. Add a Fake Man’s Name to the “Team” Slide of the Deck
No problem — just add a name. Be careful to pick a believable male name. Going punny is risky, though incredibly laudable and hilarious. Names like “Igit Fundin,” “Chad B. Hanging,” or “Guy Formunney,” are ballsy and deserved. It might be a risky gambit, though pretty damn great if you can pull it off. A more “passable” name might be “John A. Smith,” or “Bud Forsythe” — both are generic, believable and non-threatening to men. You can can get fancy, too, if you want to add pedigrees like ‘the III.’ Now your BS has legacy. You do you, girl. Get that money. You can even hire an actor to play your “partner” to sell it if need be. I know a lot of guys. Through the magic of improv, boo yah, you have your partner.
4. Add Blockchain to your Product /Service Big Story
Be sure to emphasize a blockchain hook to your big story. “Does it work with blockchain?” “Absolutely” is the correct response. Say your tech team is working on that right now if they start asking too many detailed questions. Also great to drop in: Ethereum, Cryptocurrency, Bitcoin, artificial intelligence, and machine learning. “What does it have to do with your service?” you might be asked. Laugh out loud confidently and then retort with a smile, “What doesn’t it have to do with it? Am I right?!” You are confident, ballsy and that deserves to get paid.
3. Emphasize Your Advisory Bro-nafides
Talk about your advisory board. And be sure to use names like “Hamilton,” and Bosworth,” that are dripping with heritage, privilege and entitlement. If pressed for more, respond, “Our bro-visors probably hang out the same places you do, including at the country club.” That will earn you a nod at least and then ‘you’re in’ the game.
2. Sneak a Recording Device into a Cuddle Puddle
A ‘Cuddle Puddle’ is where the action is — it’s the completely gratuitous and exclusive pre-funding foreplay. You don’t need to do anything else other than record some high-profile people talking freely (and other things). Maintain a bit of a recording moat for safety and so that your ruse won’t be discovered. Do bring a bag to throw up in and leave before it’s too late. You can make an excuse. “Hey, this has been fun. I have an early tee time in the morning. Gotta go.” Be sure to make sure you have the proper amount of something akin to eye bleach when you get safely home. And a nice drink.
And the number one way women can increase their VC funding success…
1. Invest in a High-Quality, Lifelike Blowup Doll and Make “Him” Your Silent Partner
Dress him in a suit, hat and wig, and put him in a chair facing away from all meeting attendees. Tell potential investors, “He is my silent partner and he is a well-known investor who wants to protect his identity. Anonymity is key. He invests under a pseudonym and confidentiality is critical to the deal. Please abide by that.” Remind people that he is silent for a reason: he’s observing to see if investors make the cut. He’s selective and won’t agree to just any seed round from a VC. Be sure to position his movable thumbs in a way that people can see that he likes or dislikes terms. Use string if you need to.
If need be, watch “Weekend at Bernie’s” or “Home Alone” for inspiration.
You got this, ladies. Go get your money that you deserve!
(Yes, this is satire. Getting funded should be a lot easier for women.)
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I am a speaker, author, comic, and nerd MA, MBA. Founder of Keeping it Human, I help organizations, leaders and teams use strategy, play and improv to unleash creativity, innovation and storytelling so employees and customers thrive. Sometimes I write funny about serious topics and seriously about funny topics. Yes and…improv can help shape confidence, spontaneity, collaboration, and creativity to be fully you at work. Interested? Let me know. My fave audience is my son, who laughs himself silly daily. I am at “@kathyklotzguest” on Twitter and @klotzguest on Instagram. My book, “Stop Boring Me!,” is on Amazon.
