Forced to Re-Hire a ‘Digital Dick’ Workspace Violator? Get the New Contract Template from NoLoBarIsTooLow Press
Someone from your office masturbated on Zoom? Answered video calls in an open bathrobe? Stood up on video while talking from a bathtub? Oops! It might have even been your boss.
Hey, it happens (for privileged men). And some of them will get their job back and never face any real repercussions.
That makes people feel violated...all over again.
With all the ways members can simply “fall out,” appear on camera, be shoved into common workspaces without warning or consent, the digital workplace is becoming trickier to navigate, so we have your back. Because legally, we’re trying to keep violators from showing you their front.
So you have re-hired a guy* known for some ‘oops’ at work because the higher up are forcing your hand. We’ll here’s how to cover your asset. We know it’s hard. With a few contract provisions from our NoLoBarisTooLow Press, we’ll give you a few more ways to make your re-hire less traumatic, just not less fair. (Seriously, why are you re-hiring this guy?)
Our most popular contract template includes these legal provisions:
- Hands Where We Can See ’Em. Stick ’em up! The offender must have his hands up on video at all times. On the desk in the office. In the lunchroom. At the coffeemaker. Around women. In presentations. Basically anytime they’re engaged in work.
2. Remote-Controlled Video. The offender loses turn off video privileges on calls. We know what he’s gonna do during “meetings” and he’ll later try to deduct those as business expenses. Well, ‘dick deductions’ no more. Access will be controlled remotely so you can’t aim that camera anywhere but your face. No one likes resting zoom face; what they hate more is the face you make when you’re touching yourself to all those charts and graphs or while HR is talking. Everyone’s bored by HR; deal with it. Your HR chart boner happens on your own time. Hands up, buddy, and look directly in that camera.
3. Violations and Puns at Company Functions. Every perpetrator will be referred to or introduced by the nature of the violation. For example: “Now we turn to our analyst, George, the Zoom masturbator, to give us the climax and big finish on the next story.” Or, “today’s all hands will feature a brief HR update by Bob, the bath tub flasher, who swore when he stood up to answer the office, it was because he thought it was a disrobe-o-call!” Puns are also an important part of how this person will be introduced every time. At the Holiday party, at bonus time, any time. Because privilege means getting your job back and facing people with less social equity and status who would have been fired for doing the exact same thing. That means a status kick in the you-know-where.
4. The Co-Worker Hazmat Suit. Guilty of whipping something out or forcing co-workers to see your member? Well, now your co-workers have the option of wearing a hazmat suit around you whenever they feel they need to.
5. Hazard Pay for All Co-Workers. Co-workers have to see someone’s junk without consent? Well our re-hire clause includes hazard pay for anyone who had to see that. Double hazard pay for women. And free counseling. Women also reserve the right to say “eww, gross” and to decline working with this person — as do all employees. Any time for any reason whatsoever.
6. Active Shamewear. This clause is one of our most popular and fun. Every violator has to wear a company shirt 3 days per week (1 must be a Saturday while running errands), during company-sponsored events and on casual Fridays that says “I forced my co-workers to look at my member. And I still got my job back.” And it’s got space on the back for fun company logos. 100% breathable fabric — if you get what we mean! Fun for outdoors and wearing while picking up the kids.
7. Social Responsibility Fund. A portion of the re-hired offender’s salary is withheld and goes into a fund for cool things: paying women and people of color equally, planting trees, and donating to the local Food Bank. Remind the violator that something good is coming out of ……their re-hire situation for SOME people, just not their co-workers.
While we can’t take the sting out of having to re-hire a violator, we can make re-hiring him sting a lot more — for him.
*No such contract provisions exist for women / non-binary violators. It’s just never happened.
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I am a speaker, author, and comic. Founder of Keeping it Human, I help brands, leaders and teams use strategy, comedy and improv to unleash humanity — creativity, innovation and storytelling so employees and customers thrive. Sometimes I write funny about serious topics and seriously about funny topics. I laugh at business and make business laugh. My fave audience is my son, who laughs himself silly daily. I am at “kathyklotzguest” on Twitter and @klotzguest on Instagram. My book, “Stop Boring Me!,” is on Amazon.
