The Authenticity Paradox and Life Lessons Learned from a (Mostly) Reformed People-Pleaser
Source: www.gratisography.com
The world constantly says, “be authentic.” Geez. Authenticity is both a vapid buzzword and yet it’s also really important. For all our talk of about it, though, many of us walk around not knowing how to be ourselves. We’re trained to navigate certain ways of being in the world because we’re expected to and because, in part, we feel we have to in order to be accepted. And in a hyper-connected world of like me, follow me, retweet me, and on and on, it’s easy to chase popularity and influence as measures of validation. And building a “personal brand” can often times lead us to unwittingly thinking and acting impersonally. So we craft our digital footprints to be liked and pleasing to others. Often we’re promoted and accepted based on being pleasing to a group, and on fitting in, rather than on being different. Yet, we’re supposed to be authentic. So, what the hell?!
It’s the bullshit trap of what I call ‘the authenticity paradox.’
Pleasing others is not a bad thing per se. Yet, if we want to be authentic, we have to keep this tendency in check. Authenticity doesn’t mean we should act or say everything without regard for others’ feelings; rather, authenticity requires that we act in alignment with how we think, feel, love and believe — with respect for others’ authentic beliefs without betraying ourselves to make others feel better or in order to fit in.
This was a lesson I had to learn the hard way.
Source: www.gratisography.com
My Journey
I spent 15 years in high-tech before I started my business. And leaving was both really hard and really easy. I left because I needed to be myself, and use my creativity in a way that I knew could work; something I could not fully do in Corporate America. And yet it was hard because I learned how to survive. Flourish, well, that was another story.
When I started in high-tech out of college, I entered a male-dominated work world. And I was naïve. I thought the world of work would embrace me the way college had — with openness. The reality I encountered was a shock to my system. While I found pockets of support, I also encountered walls. I was told I was too petite, too funny, too whatever (I am a comedy nerd — a big one — and a practicing stand-up comic and improviser). Like most women in male-dominated industries, I was sexually harassed openly although, often the “special” treatment was subtle. And, I was told by a number of women that if I was going to be taken seriously (yes, I graduated at the top of my class), I would have to rein in my humor: yes, by women, who misguidedly thought they were helping me, and who, as members of an older generation, had seen their fair share of tough shit. And, yet humor around certain people (way too few at work) and on the comedy stage outside of work was how I survived almost 15 years in this arena.
So I listened to them and I know years later it was a big mistake. I didn’t listen to them on everything; but I reined in my big personality. Why? At this time in my life, I wanted to fit in and to be liked. I know that not everyone does it, but for many people — and for many women (not all) — the need to be liked can be a dangerous and highly pronounced one. Maybe — I thought — if people liked me, I would have a great career, and make as much money as a man and be promoted as much. I thought — mistakenly — the key to my happiness was making others around me happier. And much of this is socialization that tells women to be liked. Being “liked” is a double-edged sword. I got really good at people-pleasing. Or so I thought. I learned you can dance naked on a bar and still not please people! Some just won’t like you because you are you.
Source: www.gratisography.com
So I worked hard to prove myself in this environment. I reined in my sense of humor — and that was hard. It’s how I am wired. I did great work and got rewarded for it. Promotions came as pieces of me went.
I was constantly reminded of the fact that my sense of humor was not something I could easily turn off, however. It was part of me. For all the years I worked in corporate marketing, I also kept doing comedy — stand-up and improvisation outside of work. And I felt the repercussions of living a deeply fragmented life. I would be me on the stage and yet told not to be a funny woman in the workplace because it would not advance my career and that humor didn’t belong in marketing anyway, because, well, tech clients were too conservative. Deep down, I never believed it and yet I hit such resistance when I tried. I am the classic example of a “fish out of water.” It’s clear now.
So for years I had a delicate balance to strike — my humor was both a blessing and a liability. It’s not easy pushing the envelope in conservative industries. Sadly, I got way too adept at leaving a large part of my personality in the car in the parking lot when I entered the building — the part I loved. This was the funny part — the part that was wildly creative. I was atrophying creatively because humor was oxygen to me. Most of the companies I worked for didn’t want to risk anything using humor or a lighter storytelling approach. Because the jargon-monoxide my departments produced worked so well (sarcasm note!). Note: I could have bottled this shit and sold it to the CIA for their enhanced interrogation techniques. That jargon-laden stuff was torture. I didn’t want to create it; that’s what management approved. I used to fantasize about tying management up and forcing them to read it!
Source: www.gratisography.com
And when I finally left to start my own business I was exhausted from all of that navigating, people-pleasing and stealing myself from pushing the envelope when it came to innovative ideas that would just get rejected. I did use my humor — in meetings with people I trusted, with clients who loved it, and eventually with a boss who reminded me that it was an asset I needed to unleash. But I had to be selective about who I let my guard down to. I would leave Corporate America to unleash my ideas. That boss was right. And having my son was the impetus.
But I had become so adept at becoming emotionally guarded around many people to make it in the world I was in — a world that validated me for hard work, being tough and not for celebrating my big sense of humor (or at least toning it way down) — that it became hard to take down the emotional walls even after I left. The world says “be authentic.” And when you’ve spent lots of time just trying to navigate very tricky terrain made complicated by a conservative industry where few women exist in higher management, and where the uncreative gets rewarded, you simply lose sight of what authentic is. Especially when you are different — funny, incisive, innovative and ready to burst. You don’t know how to unpack the bullshit and the layers you acquired just to survive. No one tells you or shows you how to do that. There is no decompression chamber for corporate-induced self-alienation.
When I left, the walls did not come down quickly. It took a few years to get the jargon and yucky stuff out of my system. I am still a work in progress. It helped that I never stopped doing comedy while I was in high-tech marketing. And, the very thing that makes me an insightful strategist, a great storyteller and comedian is the very thing that makes me hate jargon to this day — because it is not the truth. It’s bullshit. And great storytelling and comedy are fueled by truth. It all fits.
And over time I realized how happy I was fully expressing myself — including my humor because it was a part of my soul. Not being authentic was cutting out a piece of my soul. And I knew it was making me ill. I just didn’t know how true that was.
Source: www.gratisography.com
Ass-Whooping, Life-Changing Lessons
Today, I am happy because I put my stamp, my personality on my work, my comedy, and how I show up every day. And hanging out with other people behaving authentically helps. My journey took a while (I wish there were an easy button) and I learned a lot along the way.
This biggest lesson in my journey thus far is that I now know the only way authenticity can flourish is if we can silence the forces that drive us to be validated by other people. “People-pleasing” — driven by the shadow fear of rejection — is the biggest impediment to being authentic.
Source: www.gratisography.com
Pleasing people at the expense of yourself will erode your own internal guidance system over time, much to your own detriment. It gets harder to hear your own voice if you constantly outsource it.
Pleasing others is fine if it’s a byproduct; beware being tied to this as an outcome, though. That is where it gets hard. Look, pleasing others is human. Only now I am primarily concerned about acting in accordance with my values, my soul, my creativity, and my sensibilities. Just recently, for example, I walked away from an opportunity because it was not in alignment with what I wanted to do and how I wanted to show up in the world. Saying no according to your values is a muscle. The more you do it, the easier it gets and the better your world gets.
I am in the zenith of my creativity in a way today that I could never have been when I was younger because I cared more about what others’ thought about my work than I did about pleasing myself with the work I created. I outsourced my validation and that is a losing proposition for creating anything of substance and anything that really matters.
The second biggest lesson is that prolonged inauthenticity is like being out of alignment physically and spiritually, and that causes pain, anxiety, and all kinds of bad shit. Inauthenticity kills your creativity and causes internal fragmentation. Living that way is simply unsustainable.
Spiritual Physics — When You Change, The World Around You Will
Thirdly, inside everyone is a real person waiting to be seen. When that person emerges, however, everything in his/her world changes, too. I call it spiritual physics. Inside every woman for example, is both a good girl society has shaped to seek out validation, and also a real woman just waiting to choke that good girl. And hug her, too, because she got sold a shit-ton bag of goods.
The real woman is a good girl. The good girl myth, however, isn’t. That’s what’s fake — the idea that being the real you isn’t ‘good.’ Ah, That is a post for another time. It was fodder for my one-woman show in San Francisco show last year. Some people won’t like the authentic you. And seeing who shows up for the real you is part of the journey.
I forgive myself for all the times I acted in-authentically to survive. I am healing that rift within myself and I am doing work that I love and that others love, although I am not worried as much if they don’t. When you are in alignment, you act differently, you send out different energy, and you are less judgmental of others. You are not worried about others’ inauthenticity. That’s not your business. You stay focused on your lane and worry about how you can be better. When you see others’ stuck in inauthentic patterns, you feel more compassion than anything else. Because it is their journey and you have your own. You can’t judge a book by a random chapter you happened upon. I can’t judge their journey and I have stopped judging my own.
It’s an upward spiral of hope and joy. I measure my days lately on my return on joy and on doing the work I was meant to do. And I use my humor every day because it’s “me.”
Source: www.gratisography.com
Show Up Even on (Especially For!) the Little Things
So if you want to more authentic, ask yourself how much of you that is “out there” for the world to see is really you. Is it the same you when you are in private?
So where do you start?
Be patient with yourself. Stop judging your journey. When you can say how you feel, do it. When you can express yourself creatively because it is the kind of work you are called to do, do it. When you can create without worrying about what others say, do it. And state your truth in an honest way. When you don’t want to do something, don’t do it.
Stating your truth doesn’t mean being disrespectful of others. It’s quite the opposite, actually. Being yourself in an honest way changes how you treat others. When you act authentically, you are more respectful toward others. Being honest doesn’t mean others are wrong. It is not your place to convince, convert or cajole them.
Get rid of bullshit buzzwords because they obfuscate the truth. Say, think, and act how you feel. Well known business author Clayton Christensen, writes about the power of making decisions at the margins. When we make small decisions that we think don’t matter, in aggregate they do. The little tradeoffs eventually become big ones until we have traded away what matters most. Flex that authenticity muscle. Most days, I operate at a 95% “people-pleasing free” level. That sneaky 5% surfaces on occasion and I am able to recognize it for what it is.
Source: www.gratisography.com
It gets easier. Authenticity is too important a word to be coopted by buzzword-loving marketers who want to dilute its power. Start with small decisions. They matter. Once your you-ness is out, you will never want to go back. Inauthenticity causes fragmentation that keeps you from coming into your full authentic awesomeness. Life doesn’t have a dimmer switch, and authenticity shouldn’t either.
Be patient, do your best, and most importantly: never, ever judge your own journey. That’s what your family is for!
Kathy Klotz-Guest
